There you are just trying to be happy. Minding your own business and then BAM you hit one of these guys. They people in your life that seem to constantly complain, are grumpy and POOF, there goes your good day. You went from feeling great, to feeling anxious, to upset, and to angry or sad yourself. How does this happen? I have one simple answer for you, and it might surprise you. It has nothing to do with them at all. It is all you baby.
YOU JUDGED THEM
Yep, Your energy changed because YOU judged them. You stood in front of what they put out and classified it either as good or bad. This is not your natural state, and it takes a lot of energy to judge somebody. You have to put yourself in the situation or stay in it if it comes to you. You have to feel what they are feeling. You have to decide if you like it or not. You have to decide if it’s about you, (most of the time you think it is). You take it personally. You defend yourself. You dont want to think you are bad or wrong so now you have to go from defending to attacking. You have to get a few blows when they defend your attack and that hurts… ouch. You have to decide when to stop the back and forth. If you dont like confrontation you will try to numb yourself so it does not bother you. Then you have to recover. Phew. That sounds like a lot of work doesn’t it?
You have no idea what is going on in their life. What if that “gumpy” woman is really a tired mom who was up with a sick child all night and is not grumpy at all but just really tired and worried about her child? You deemed her grumpy. She really is a loving person who loved so much she left nothing for herself and then is giving what little she did had at work instead of calling in sick herself. Do you still feel like she is a grumpy person that you can roll your eyes at? The boss that just ran by you and ignored you when you said good morning may have just a phone call that is his wife after 8 years of trying is pregnant and is running home to hug and cry with her with tears of joy. Yeah, you are right, he is so stuck up and he does not like you at all.
DON’T JUDGE THEM, BLESS THEM. NOT ONE TIME, EVERY TIME
Judging them just shows that you are ignorant to the situation, you may have unrealistic expectations of people, you think you are better than them, you are not being grateful, you are self- centered, are closed off and perhaps LIKE judging people as a pass time. Ouch. Sting a bit? I know you dont mean to do any of these things. Perhaps it is time to pay more attention to what you are doing than what they are doing. You are not helping them, or yourself by adding to the situation without knowing what is going on, even your opinion of what is going on. Let’s look at it differently. If a man is drowning, you would not bring him water. He needs the opposite. He needs land. If a house is on fire, you do not bring a match or more fire, you bring them them opposite. You bring water. If you think somebody is angry, does it make sense to bring more anger? The only way you will know is to ask. To reach out and connect with an open heart. For example, “Hey Kevin, I saw you slamming the door and when Karen said good morning to you, you rushed right by her. You are such a nice guy, I wanted to make sure you were all right since this isn’t your normal behaviour. Are you ok? Is there anything I can do?” Now what Kevin says to you after this is out of your hands, but you handled it with grace and fairness. This takes NO energy at all because this is who you are. You are not the judging and punishing kind.
Let’s look at some ways to stop judging:
#1 – Bless instead of judge. Your brain cannot do two things at one time.
#2 – Be less critical on yourself. Those that are self critical are outwardly critical to others.
#3 – Replace the judgement with a positive, true statement. “I don’t know what is going on with so and so, but I hope they are doing better soon”
#4 – Catch yourself when you are assuming things, not knowing things
#5 – Be more compassionate
#6 – Stop keeping track or giving and taking away points. When you do something for somebody you do it for peace and kindness not to get one up on them
#7 – Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.
#8 – If you want to give constructive criticism try saying something they did well, the way to do even better, and praise something again. They need to hear more good stuff than bad stuff to feel you were not just judging them.
#9 – If a cow moos, let them moo. If a cat meows, let them meow. The cat is not a bad cow because it meows; it is a good cat.
Let people be who they are and who they need to be. We cannot be afraid to express our emotions and feelings because we think people will not like us if we are honest. Now if somebody is abusive, they do not have the right to physically hurt you. Verbal abuse is hurtful. Remember though, that you don’t have to believe what they say. You only become it if you believe it. People do not defend what they know to be true. They know it is the others illusion that is at play, not their own.
I want to share a bracelet with you that I made to help people always stay in the light even when other’s are in the dark. It has such a wonderful holographic look to these crystals that it will help you to see through the illusion that you feel the need to judge, and keep you in a positive light.